the-spot.net

I'm not sure how to approach this without sounding like a psychopath - because I'm not...by definition I'm not. When it comes to the death of others, though, I generally don't get phased very much by it.

I know I'm fortunate to have all of my parents and stepparents - I am fortunate to still have the grandparent I was always closest to. But that also means I have lost all the other grandparents I didn't feel as close to...whether it was due to infrequent communication, or just a lack of bonding when they were around. I know they love me, as grandparents do - and I carry them in my memories of them - but when they passed away, I didn't find myself distraught as others around me seemed to be.

On the other hand, it has been a very long internal struggle of mine to come to terms with my own death that will happen at some point. I'd say I'm probably 66% of the way through rationalizing how much of it I should be concerned about, and just how much of it I will not have any awareness of (all of it).

When I was younger, the thought of being dead, but conscious was scary as smurf - to be dead, but fully aware of your deadness. The idea of heaven didn't sound very much appealing either - having to kneel before the throne and worship all the time...sounds just terrible to me. The idea of hell didn't sound plausible because I would be dead and not able to feel anything. Obviously those two views on the two destinations are contradictory to themselves - if I wouldn't feel the sting of hell, I wouldn't feel the tediousness of heaven...but if I would be able to feel the monotony of heaven, I'd also feel the burn in hell. It was quite the dichotomy to deal with as a kid.

At this point though, my realization is that when I'm dead, there will be no concern on my part about my deadness - there will only be the concern leading up to the point that I have made everyone that I love aware that I loved them.

I suppose when my parents eventually pass, I will encounter a different experience with death knowing that my progenitor has passed, and my generation will soon be all that remains from the previous. It's the circle of life though...I hope it will be prolonged in my lifetime, if only to see where we end up as a society. I'd hate to think that the "future" never actually gets here...we just get better technologies and never make progress as a species. But then again - if that happens, it won't matter too much because I'll be dead.

I think it's interesting how variable individual views on death are. I am one of those people who is overly moved by the death of family or close friends. My grandfather was the first close family member of mine to pass, which happened almost 7 years ago (end of this month is the anniversary of his passing), making me 22 years old at the time, and I distinctly remember seeing him in his coffin and losing it completely. I was the only one of my cousins to do so and most of the "adults" (ie. aunts, uncles, my parents) were teary-eyed but not full-out crying. I'm at the younger end of my many cousins, so most were older than me with only 4 being younger and not by much.

I remember my mother coming up to me and gently chastising me for carrying on like I was. She wanted me to pull it together. My grandmother, who was in a wheelchair for the duration of her husband's funeral having fallen at the funeral home the day prior and breaking her hip (bad things come in threes), came up to me and told me to cry if I need to. She said seeing me cry allowed her to feel like she could cry. She had felt she had to keep things inside her and put on a brave face. We were all in a receiving line in order of age of the aunts and uncles, but my grandmother insisted I come and sit with her at the end of the line and together we cried as we greeted and thanked people. She said crying as I did is good for my soul but also shows my capacity to care and cherish my family.

I feel we all mourn in our own ways. I cry and, even if it's someone I've not seen or heard from in years, I feel pain for their loss. I know others are not like that, and seeing my reaction can make others uncomfortable.

Reading your story reminded me of my dad's dad's (to differentiate from his stepdad) death. I had myself held together pretty well throughout the ceremony, while the rest of his wife's side (dad's stepmom) were very emotional.

It wasn't until the lone trumpet played Taps, and I [unexpectedly] heard it for the first time in real life, that I started to lose it. That's the only time I can remember actually crying at a funeral of my own accord, and not as a sympathy cry.

Sometimes it helps a lot to let it all out.

Neo wrote:When I was younger, the thought of being dead, but conscious was scary as smurf - to be dead, but fully aware of your deadness. The idea of heaven didn't sound very much appealing either - having to kneel before the throne and worship all the time...sounds just terrible to me.

I'm glad my view of heaven and what will take place there is different than yours. I know a lot of people think it will be just as you described, and I personally think that's terrible and not something to look forward to. The heaven I look forward to will be lots of fun, and there will be so much to do.

I'm not worried about my own death either. I know it will happen, and the thought of it doesn't scare me. It's just a thing that needs to take place before we can go on to the next stage of eternity.

I think Heaven/Afterlife will be what we make it to be. I've seen interpretations that suggest the visual/experiential component is derived from the individual. I want to believe that's what it is. But if it's reincarnation, I want to be something with wings. I need to be able to fly next life.

Vanyl wrote:But if it's reincarnation, I want to be something with wings.

I want to be something that lives on another planet - if life exists out there somewhere else. I can't believe that it's only here; and if gods, spirits, and the like are real, I can't believe they would only apply to earth.

I just want to know what else is out there.

DMoney wrote:

Neo wrote:When I was younger, the thought of being dead, but conscious was scary as smurf - to be dead, but fully aware of your deadness. The idea of heaven didn't sound very much appealing either - having to kneel before the throne and worship all the time...sounds just terrible to me.

I'm glad my view of heaven and what will take place there is different than yours. I know a lot of people think it will be just as you described, and I personally think that's terrible and not something to look forward to. The heaven I look forward to will be lots of fun, and there will be so much to do.

I'm not worried about my own death either. I know it will happen, and the thought of it doesn't scare me. It's just a thing that needs to take place before we can go on to the next stage of eternity.

David, this makes me so proud of you. I'm so glad that you are my brother. I just don't understand the view of Heaven being so miserable.

As much as I fear the thought of someone leaving me on this Earth, I know that my loved ones in Heaven are so happy. They are no longer in pain, no longer suffering. Losing my Grandma last year was one of the hardest things for me. You see, until last February, I still had all 4 of my grandparents, both parents, my brother, and most everyone I loved. I had only had a great aunt and uncle die, and had never really felt such a great loss before. My grandma and I were really close. When I lived in Fort Worth, I would try to visit them at least once a week. Grandma and I were always playing games, and we were both VERY competitive. I was so lucky to have her in my life for so long. But then she got really sick around Christmas, and she started to have some problems. The Sunday after Christmas, we FINALLY got her to let us take her to the ER. They ran a bunch of tests, thought it was something with her heart, but then a week or so later, they found out it was Cancer, a really bad one, and already stage 4. They said we would have about 3-6 months left with her.

I'm so grateful for the family that I have. About a week or 2 after finding out she had cancer, several of my cousins, and all 7 of her children, gathered together for an amazing weekend. This was probably only the 2nd time in history that all 7 of their children were together in one place. I'm not sure I had ever seen my Grandma happier than she was that weekend.

About 2 weeks later, I came back to Fort Worth to visit her again. We were supposed to play games, but I had left my home later than planned, and by the time I got there, she was in the hospital again. I visited with her there that night, and then some the next day, but Saturday afternoon my mom told me to come back to my home since my husband really wanted me to be at a thing with him that evening. I wish I had stayed in Fort Worth, because that next morning, early that Sunday morning, she slipped peacefully away.

Normally I go to church at 10 am. My mom called me around 7:30ish that morning, told me she was with Grandma, but that she was having some problems, and that I should pray for her that she wouldn't suffer and that if it was her time, that she would be able to go in peace. You see, she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and most people that have it are in a lot of pain and having a ton of problems. The main problem my grandma had was that her lungs would fill up with fluid, making it hard for her to breathe, and almost feel like she was drowning. The day before she had passed away, they had just started her on morphine, to help her body relax and not be in pain. She really didn't suffer much, and for that I am so grateful. Not even 30 minutes passed from the time my mom called me till she was calling again to let me know she had died.

I took it really bad. I didn't go to church that day, and stayed in bed crying pretty much all day. I texted my boss and told her I wouldn't be at work that week. I stayed home several days crying, and didn't make it to Fort Worth until Wednesday because I didn't know if I would be able to make the drive in my condition. And at the Funeral that weekend, I cried and cried and cried.

Vanyl, there is nothing wrong with crying. When your soul hurts, it is good to weep. If anyone thinks it is wrong for you to cry, then they are lying to themselves about their own pain, or they have no soul.

My hubby had a grandpa pass away the year before, and a grandma pass away the year before that. I cried at their funerals as well. I cried for those that had lost a loved one, or a friend, I cried that I had never really been able to get to know them, and I cried for the beautiful scene that was happening I Heaven. I also cry at funerals of people I don't know, for the people around me, and I also cry for the lack of understanding of Heaven and life after death.

I believe that when a person passes on from this life they are met with a welcoming crowd of people, loved ones that had gone before them, and all the people in their family tree, and anyone whose life they had touched that had passed away already. Heaven is a beautiful place where you finally get to learn all the stories of your family, ask all the questions you ever wanted answers to, find out why we were really sent to Earth, play with our lost pets. Where people who had lost a leg, or arm, gone blind, deaf, or confined to a wheelchair, can finally get up again, can walk, dance, see, hear, and be made whole again. And a place where we can be with our Father in Heaven again, and be welcomed back in to his loving arms and care. That's what Heaven is to me.

So as much as I miss my Grandma, I know that she is happy now, and she is not suffering, and that someday I will be able to be with her again. Sure, sometimes I still cry. I miss her. I'm human and have a soul. And that's OK. If I didn't feel this pain, I would not understand that joy and beauty of all that I've had, and it only gives me a glimpse of the Joy that we will have in Heaven.

Sorry this is so long. I didn't mean to write so much. Sometimes I just get a bit carried away by my emotions.

Pam wrote:I just don't understand the view of Heaven being so miserable.

I think for me, personally, it has to do with a level of selfishness that I haven't let go of. I've never really wanted my plans interrupted - even by death - and while it doesn't make sense that I would fight such a permanent and inevitable thing, I guess it's just a symptom of my personality until that changes.

Pam wrote:Sorry this is so long. I didn't mean to write so much.

Never apologize for this on this site.