the-spot.net

I guess I'll kick this forum off with a topic that seems apt for the returning generation of members: Married Life

It occurs to me that a lot of the relationship threads through the Looking Glass were about dating and things not going right. But now there are many people from back in the day who are married, so I'll just toss these out there...

• If you're married, was it what you thought it would be? And what did you think it would be? (Not was the person you married who you thought they were...that's a COMPLETELY different thread).
• If you're not married, why do you want to be? How do you think it will impact your life?
• If you are married, and you see a reason someone wants to be but isn't, is their desire a realistic desire in marriage?

I am going to have to think about my answer...and possibly double post.

Heh....who would have ever thought this thread would exist on tsn? We had what....one married couple before? I LOVE being married, and it's pretty much exactly what I thought it would be. If you marry the right person (I'm not saying there's only one right person, but if you marry someone who is right for you), it's always being with your best friend. Sometimes it's hard for us to go out and have fun with other people because we're perfectly fine just being with each other and doing everything together.

I'm not and honestly while I want to be I don't have a good answer as to why other than the likely obviously frivolous or legal ones. I want kids, and regardless of whether I can physically birth a child, and I won't entertain the idea of children without the binding of marriage. That is 100% my stance on it mostly from a legal perspective.

The less logical, more emotional reason is the fact that I know I want to have a wedding, experience that moment and to move onto the committed forever part of life.

Also, I do see my bff's side where she opposes marriage because she wants her partner to stay with her because he wants to not because legally he's bound to her. I would love to say I want that feeling. But I'm jaded and thus I want marriage for the binding committed nature that it is, including the inherent legal security involved, and because I want a wedding ceremony. I'm a girl, that's how I work.

I had an afterthought and wanted to add that I think marriage often seems like a public proclamation of love and dedication. Given the ups and downs in my life and relationship, I think that is another reason I want to be married, to have that public declaration of dedication. But Neo, we've talked about the deficiencies I'm dealing with so I think it's also a reason that currently I am not married.

Vanyl wrote: so I think it's also a reason that currently I am not married.

Well...technically you could be married...to a random guy, no problem, even in your current situation. So I wouldn't really consider that to be a reason you're not married. I also wouldn't recommend marrying a random guy - that's not the point of this .

I would say that given the fact you're in a relationship, and half of the relationship isn't ready to get married, the reason you're not married is because you're in this current relationship.

When something is possible, but someone gives reasons why they think it's not possible - it doesn't mean it's impossible, it means there are parameters...someone's parameters that you have to decide whether to accept them or not.

At work, when I'm told I can't do something, I ask why? Legally? Technically? Because you said so? Because you don't know how? There are different levels of "can't" to me, and the consequences are mine to weigh. If the boss or law says no, those consequences are different from a technical impossibility...or a lack of understanding about the technical capabilities, and they just think it's not possible. So sometimes I accept the parameters - I can't do it because the boss said no. Sometimes, outside of work, I don't accept [the parameters defined by the law], and do it because I can...even if it's not legal.

You are totally capable of finding a relationship where both people are ready to move forward with their life - you just have to decide, and make the next move.

Oh I never said it's impossible, but it's a reason I'm not in the current state of marriage. One half is not ready and the other half doesn't know if she'd say yes if asked because of concerns with the future.

It's time for my answer to my own question.

Early in life, I thought marriage would be about the husband taking care of the wife, the wife taking care of the kids. That's how it was when I was growing up. I was raised with the husband making all the rules, all the money, all the decisions...or at least that's how it seemed.

I have found that it doesn't work that way, in the type of relationship I wanted - one that works.

With that mistake made, I revised my expectations of marriage over and over through the years, and landed on marriage being a choice between two independent adults who agree to share the responsibility of starting a family together. With this view, I don't have to make all the decisions, or all the money, or all the rules. My wife is an adult, she can make decisions when she wants, and have a job, and make rules. We don't have kids, but I'm sure we'll both take care of them.

Is it what I thought it would be? Eventually it was. There were mistakes made along the way, but as long as it gets resolved before going to bed for the night with hugs and apologies, everything works out in the morning. For the most part, it's been a fairly easy go of things. I found a gemini who understand what a gemini is like and we share in common interests and still have enough independent interests that we can find a lone time.

I tried dating someone who was my opposite, and that was fun for a time, but I also needed someone who was like me. Only another gemini could fulfill that in a single person.