Fatherly traits and qualities
Invite your friends over, pour a couple drinks, have a seat together in the living room for a general, but more serious discussion about stuff in general.
My baby's due date is exactly 5 weeks from today. O_O This will be our first, and I am scared out of my mind and feel extremely unprepared (even though I do realize I'm more prepared than most other soon-to-be dads). Anyways, what are some traits or qualities about your dad that you love, or perhaps something specific your dad would do that you loved? Also, if you have any tips or advice that perhaps doesn't come from your dad, you can share that too. I'll take whatever I can get!
-D$
I feel like I have the most amazing father. Some qualities that I absolutely love is that he always had a listening and understanding ear. He is always full of wisdom, especially when it comes to talking about the love of Christ. I have also witnessed qualities, not from my father, but from others that have negatively impacted the father/child relationship. Qualities such a giving a guilt trip, not understanding of actions made, or picking fights. Cherish the relationship you have with your children. You'll be glad you did in the long run.
"Every person has their own story. Open their book if you want to understand them. It may be a better read than you anticipated." -Me
I meant to reply to this when you reposted it, and forgot about it until coming to this forum to start another thread...
One of the things I appreciated about my father was that he did things that made my mother upset - and then my mother conveyed those behaviors to me as a child. Things like referencing his previous girlfriend by name...frequently. No one likes to be compared to an ex in any way. So I learned never to refer to any ex's by name, and if at all possible never refer to anyone as an ex, but rather by the method of our acquaintance (college friend, coworker, etc).
It's things like that - the conveyance of life lessons and regretful mistakes when the child is old enough to understand their impact - that I appreciated. Further examples: the fact that my parents had to file for bankruptcy when I was very young due to mismanagement of funds...or that my dad didn't have a weight problem until he got a desk job...or [someone] letting it slip that my parents weren't married when they conceived me, and my observation of how that all played out [spoiler alert: divorce, since it wasn't really a planned marriage relationship]. Things that caused me to be mindful of my situation as I grew up and encountered new situations and what their potential consequences were.
Another thing that I didn't get to understand or even witness until I was already an adult, and having been kicked out to go live with him - the partnership he had worked out with my step mom about how to manage their family. Coming from a house where the step dad dominated all decisions and the mom was required to go with the flow and hold the line, it was disappointing at first to see that my dad would offer my step mom an opportunity to turn down his request for whatever it was.
It wasn't until many failed relationships of my own where I realized that it was not disappointing, it was the appropriate thing to do for two individuals who enter into a partnership to get the perspective of the other person who will be sharing the burden of the decision. Treating his wife as an equal, instead of forcing submission in the name of Proverbs...that was an important quality for my dad.
As for my step dad. While he was a smurf, in general, there were things I appreciated about how he handled my brother and I in our teenage years. I will pluck the good parts out of the bad for this...
Primarily, the use of chores around the house as punishment. There was no physical punishment. Let me explain. All year round, we had a rotating calendar of who did which part of dinner prep/teardown (set the table, washed dishes, dried dishes) among other things that had to be handled year-round (your clothes, rooms, lawncare, bathrooms, etc). During the summer, there were additional chores to assign since we were home all the time - things that were more generic like folding towels, vacuuming/sweeping/mopping, cleaning the other bathrooms (we had our own), etc.
Now - we knew these were coming, every week, every summer, every year. If, for some reason, we decided to complain about our lot in life when it came to having to do chores, guess what...we got to do that chore an additional week. Is another week's assignment unfair and worthy of further complaint? Ok, add another week. How does 2 additional weeks look now? Is it worth adding another to complain about that? No. Shut your mouth.
When asked to do something that was out of the ordinary, complaints would heap on additional chores in some other area of the house. The proper response to any request to avoid further workload: Yes Sir or Yes Ma'am.
Why was this important as a teenager? Because our first job turned out to be in a fast food restaurant. And when we were told to go wash the restaurant dishes, go clean the bathrooms, go mop the lobby/kitchen, go put away the inventory, go wipe down tables...our response wasn't a sigh and a huff - it was "Yes Sir" or "Yes Ma'am." It was ingrained into us to do the things which were asked of us by our superiors to give us good work ethic, and not be little smurfette teenagers who can't be trusted to do our jobs.
Secondarily to the chores was the schedule we were kept on. While my wife disagrees with the actual locations we were allowed to go as a viable solution, the concept is no different from what her mother did to her...
Growing up, we were allowed to go 4 places: Home, School, Work, Church. We had no car to drive, no permission to take rides from friends, and had to rely on my parents to drive us to those destinations and pick us back up - with the exception of walking to work, which was close by. While this seemed limiting (and in retrospect was, from a social standpoint) it forced us to spend time doing the things that (as teenagers) prepared us for the future (church being the optional component based on family values of the reader).
At school, we were there to make good grades, not get boyfriend/girlfriends - though in a small country town, the pickin's were slim and the good ones were taken. At home, we were there to learn work ethic (see first point) and to study - TV was very limited, and computers were off limits. At work, we were there to get our paycheck - the paycheck was put entirely into savings and used later to pay for college. And then Church for God stuff.
This left no time for me to go to any pasture parties, experiment with alcohol, date anyone and deal with sex stuff, or get caught up in some of the drugs that a few people were experimenting with. While it is an extreme use of the concept, it worked for me. GlennCoco's experience was less about locking the kids down, and more about keeping them busy with parent-approved activities like soup kitchens, and volunteer work, etc.
This was really long, but hopefully if it doesn't help you, it'll at least give you an idea of what Agent Smith and I had to deal with growing up.
One of the things I appreciated about my father was that he did things that made my mother upset - and then my mother conveyed those behaviors to me as a child. Things like referencing his previous girlfriend by name...frequently. No one likes to be compared to an ex in any way. So I learned never to refer to any ex's by name, and if at all possible never refer to anyone as an ex, but rather by the method of our acquaintance (college friend, coworker, etc).
It's things like that - the conveyance of life lessons and regretful mistakes when the child is old enough to understand their impact - that I appreciated. Further examples: the fact that my parents had to file for bankruptcy when I was very young due to mismanagement of funds...or that my dad didn't have a weight problem until he got a desk job...or [someone] letting it slip that my parents weren't married when they conceived me, and my observation of how that all played out [spoiler alert: divorce, since it wasn't really a planned marriage relationship]. Things that caused me to be mindful of my situation as I grew up and encountered new situations and what their potential consequences were.
Another thing that I didn't get to understand or even witness until I was already an adult, and having been kicked out to go live with him - the partnership he had worked out with my step mom about how to manage their family. Coming from a house where the step dad dominated all decisions and the mom was required to go with the flow and hold the line, it was disappointing at first to see that my dad would offer my step mom an opportunity to turn down his request for whatever it was.
It wasn't until many failed relationships of my own where I realized that it was not disappointing, it was the appropriate thing to do for two individuals who enter into a partnership to get the perspective of the other person who will be sharing the burden of the decision. Treating his wife as an equal, instead of forcing submission in the name of Proverbs...that was an important quality for my dad.
As for my step dad. While he was a smurf, in general, there were things I appreciated about how he handled my brother and I in our teenage years. I will pluck the good parts out of the bad for this...
Primarily, the use of chores around the house as punishment. There was no physical punishment. Let me explain. All year round, we had a rotating calendar of who did which part of dinner prep/teardown (set the table, washed dishes, dried dishes) among other things that had to be handled year-round (your clothes, rooms, lawncare, bathrooms, etc). During the summer, there were additional chores to assign since we were home all the time - things that were more generic like folding towels, vacuuming/sweeping/mopping, cleaning the other bathrooms (we had our own), etc.
Now - we knew these were coming, every week, every summer, every year. If, for some reason, we decided to complain about our lot in life when it came to having to do chores, guess what...we got to do that chore an additional week. Is another week's assignment unfair and worthy of further complaint? Ok, add another week. How does 2 additional weeks look now? Is it worth adding another to complain about that? No. Shut your mouth.
When asked to do something that was out of the ordinary, complaints would heap on additional chores in some other area of the house. The proper response to any request to avoid further workload: Yes Sir or Yes Ma'am.
Why was this important as a teenager? Because our first job turned out to be in a fast food restaurant. And when we were told to go wash the restaurant dishes, go clean the bathrooms, go mop the lobby/kitchen, go put away the inventory, go wipe down tables...our response wasn't a sigh and a huff - it was "Yes Sir" or "Yes Ma'am." It was ingrained into us to do the things which were asked of us by our superiors to give us good work ethic, and not be little smurfette teenagers who can't be trusted to do our jobs.
Secondarily to the chores was the schedule we were kept on. While my wife disagrees with the actual locations we were allowed to go as a viable solution, the concept is no different from what her mother did to her...
Growing up, we were allowed to go 4 places: Home, School, Work, Church. We had no car to drive, no permission to take rides from friends, and had to rely on my parents to drive us to those destinations and pick us back up - with the exception of walking to work, which was close by. While this seemed limiting (and in retrospect was, from a social standpoint) it forced us to spend time doing the things that (as teenagers) prepared us for the future (church being the optional component based on family values of the reader).
At school, we were there to make good grades, not get boyfriend/girlfriends - though in a small country town, the pickin's were slim and the good ones were taken. At home, we were there to learn work ethic (see first point) and to study - TV was very limited, and computers were off limits. At work, we were there to get our paycheck - the paycheck was put entirely into savings and used later to pay for college. And then Church for God stuff.
This left no time for me to go to any pasture parties, experiment with alcohol, date anyone and deal with sex stuff, or get caught up in some of the drugs that a few people were experimenting with. While it is an extreme use of the concept, it worked for me. GlennCoco's experience was less about locking the kids down, and more about keeping them busy with parent-approved activities like soup kitchens, and volunteer work, etc.
This was really long, but hopefully if it doesn't help you, it'll at least give you an idea of what Agent Smith and I had to deal with growing up.
"Because I choose to."
[[Neo]]
[[Neo]]
Because the post got really long, this is a secondary post to point out some things about the previous.
So if the kid starts out with an example of what needs to always be done as part of their personal responsibility, this example can largely be pared down to "the correct answer to a request is Yes Sir/Yes Ma'am" and "do what is [legally] asked by your superiors at work."
Not every family needs to use chores as a punishment. GlennCoco grew up with chores as part of her daily regime. We needed them because my step dad most likely came into the relationship looking at a stressed and ragged mother of 3, who had two teenage boys full of untapped assistance around the house. To get the laziness out of them, the chores required consequences if they were not complete, or if complaining ensued.Neo wrote:Primarily, the use of chores around the house as punishment. There was no physical punishment.
So if the kid starts out with an example of what needs to always be done as part of their personal responsibility, this example can largely be pared down to "the correct answer to a request is Yes Sir/Yes Ma'am" and "do what is [legally] asked by your superiors at work."
"Because I choose to."
[[Neo]]
[[Neo]]
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